Just got back from a job interview. What a fucking humiliating experience. The hiring manager didn’t even conduct the interview, instead having one of their shift managers talk with me. Asked me a bunch of stupid fucking questions for about five minutes then tells me that tattoos are against company policy blah blah blah. I am not meant to be a part of everyday society. I do not fit in. I can not participate in the power struggles of the minimum wage world, or office politics, or testosterone fueled elitism often experienced in manly man bullshit jobs like auto repair or construction or factory work. I’m sick and tired of dealing with customers on the terms of some bullshit company policy that doesn’t allow me to be myself and take initiative of a situation, nor back me up when there’s a conflict or a hurdle I am having trouble with. I’m sick of phone scripts, sales meetings, company policy handbooks, drug tests, math tests, comprehension tests, and the contempt in people’s eyes when they see me. I am, at the core, an artist. Yet I have no tools to express myself in a medium that I am good at, or I have tools for things that I do not have the talent for. I am sick and tired of repeating myself to my family again and again and again that working for the last 20+ years has done nothing for me, and I see no point in continuing to try and conform to and live up to other people’s shitty ideas of standards. I have been fired from just about every single job I have ever had. I have had a few jobs that paid very well, yet I have absolutely nothing to show for my efforts. I am completely at my wit’s end about what to do with my life. I have ideas and dreams but lack the funds that I need to achieve them. I wish I had the courage to end my life and just get this fucking shit over with already. The irony, of course, is that if I possessed any of the courage that I desire, I probably would not be in this situation in the first place.
Courage, Irony, and Wit